Thar she blows!

“It seems the zmobies have gotten out of me control,” scowled King Daggerbeard.  Looking through his glass far-away-looky-thingy, he could see that by now they had swarmed across most of the islands, and he wasn’t exactly the biggest fan.

“No matter, shouldn’t be too long before me plan is finally in motion.”

He paced the room a bit, distraught that neither Banner nor Stripes were around to continue the conversation, and all of the guards had been sent off for some last minute chalk-repair for his plan to come to fruition.  Annoyed, he kicked over a chest of assorted junk, but strangely sought comfort in its contents – a small beaten teddy bear missing both of its eyes skidded across the ground and King Daggerbeard quickly scooped it up.

“What’s that, me good pal Grand Arbiter Thadeus, the Bear of Blind Judgement,” he inquired, making sure to address his old friend only by his full, official title, and not his common nickname ‘Teddy bear’, “what exactly is my plan ye ask?  Well let me tell ye!

Long ago, when I sailed across the open sea, I believed I had truly found me peace.  Hard to believe, friend, but back then, people called me Cap’n Bloody Daggerbeard, deadliest pirate to have ever sailed the open sea.  Only captured once, but I escaped shortly after stabbin’ the guard through the heart with me beard!  Anyways… life was simple, until I finally found the mother load of all treasures, and well, long story short I settled down but me men kept fightin’ over the gold and well… I realized then that me heart didn’t belong to no shiny piece of gold, but to the sea – also haikus, but mostly the sea.

So I came here, ye see.  Just north of this here isle is the sunken remains of the Great Waken, a large mythical beast said to bring about the floodin’ of the entire world, or at the very least all of the islands possibly contained within the game of Everything Islands.  In short me friend, it brings about piece, and it brings about The End.

Would’ve had the beast resurrected sooner, but some barnacle lovin’ scallywag been kicking over the chalk dust on the ritual lines, and some other minor setbacks got in me way.  But no longer!  With the people of the isles busy with the zmobies, and fascinated with a carnival they don’t quite understand exists only in a place within themselves and beyond death, nothing can get in my way now.

At least, I don’t think it can.  But we’ll see… I know, me friend, that look in yer eyelessness.  It’s not over ’til it’s over, but we’ll see…”

Post your character’s conclusion to Everything Islands below, and stay tuned for the final post that’ll wrap everything up!  More details in the stickied update, go check it out.

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13 thoughts on “Thar she blows!

  1. RSE continues to explore the tunnels he was previously in after “returning” to the islands, being sure to avoid any zmobies he might see, and solve any puzzles he might encounter, as well as working on his [speed] and [luck]. He has hilarious conversations with any NPCs he might encounter, and if all the places he is lead to are already explored/inhabited by players, he moves to the island to the east of the island he was on, explores it, and makes his way south, exploring any/every island he encounters.

  2. “The time is nigh!”–Itylhive bellowed, stepping into the ritual hall. He picked up [Goldilocks], who was herself crackling with impatience, and proceeded to channel all the destructive forces he could bend to his will into her curvy and deadly shapes. As dimensional boundaries unraveled, he bargained with every extradimensional entity that was willing to listen, borrowing power at exorbitant interest rates. In a single flash, he unleashed the torrent of destruction, breaking the chains left on Esoteric Lord Bacon by the treacherous Common Celery Clan, freeing him, and possibly a number of some lesser beings of chaos and destruction.

  3. Viral was tired from the search for the Awesome Squad’s ship and decided to return to shore and to his companions. Picking up his bass he would lead them in a truly metal jam session. he thought of his plans for turrets, sang of his love of gas masks and lab coats, and lamented over not building a proper mad scientist base for the Awesome Squad. Finally he took one last look at his precious, yet curiously obtained text “The Mad Scientist Guide to Creating Technology out of Thin Air: Volume 2” and wrote something, with an equally curiously obtained pen.

    ‘A Mad Scientist’s job is not to terrorize the world, it is not to abduct young buxom babes and hold them against their will, it is not what the movies tell you it is. We are no different from non mad scientists. We however choose to believe that technology can come from stranger places, that conventional inventions can be made better with unconventional science. Let no one tell you that what you want to build or make is impossible. They just haven’t the heart to try and think outside the safe side of science. Dream big, and do not be afraid to blow a few things up along the way.’ – Johnathan Viral
    Awesome Squad Chief Engineer and Science Officer

  4. GOLEM FINAL TURN DIRECTIVESCOLON
    CALL UP THE MINIATURE GOLEMSPERIOD USING THE COPIED KIRBY ANDFORWARDSLASHOR MEGAMAN POWERS CAUSE ALL THE MINIATURE GOLEMS TO COMBINE WITH SELFPERIOD WITH SELF NAMED GOLEM ARCHITECT BECOMES PLANAR GOLEM ARCHITECTPERIOD I USE MY NEWFOUND ABILITIES TO TRY AND SAVE AS MANY OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE DEEMED AS ALLIES FROM THE ZMOBIE THREATCOMMA AND POSSIBLE GREAT WAKEN DAMAGEPERIOD

  5. Oh boy…here we go….

    Step 1 – Affix my necktie in a business-like fashion around my neck…this time I mean business.
    Step 2 – Escape from my prison using one of the two following options (as in try the first and then the second if it doesn’t work).
    Step 2a – Call a guard over to me and stab him with MY beard, take the keys and unlock my own cell.
    Step 2a(x) – In the guard’s dying moments attempt to ascertain King Daggerbeard’s location. Torture the guard if necessary. I will have that information or the guard will die.

    Step 2b – Use my massively overpowered right arm to break the bars holding me hostage.
    Step 2b(y) – Quietly sneak to where the nearest guard is. Stab him with MY beard and torture him for information as to King Daggerbeard’s whereabouts.

    Now we split into two parallel worlds depending on if i escaped successfully.

    World where I escaped and have discovered King Daggerbeard’s location through guard torture.

    Step 3 – Move my way through the prison towards King Daggerbeard’s location with caution towards guard activity and traps.

    Fast forward to if I actually see him.

    Step 4 – Have a beard fight….hopefully win by stabbing him through the heart with my beard using my massive right arm as primarily a shield.
    Step 4x – If I win, exchange clothes and claim myself King Daggerbeard. Destroy his beard.
    Step 4y – If I lose….I can’t afford to lose…

    World where I did not escape.

    Step 3 – Masturbate furiously with just my right hand.
    Step 4 – Weep.

  6. Bob the Blob and anthcul158 become great friends. Bob the Blob is surprisingly good at fighting both zmobies and breathing under water, so the two of them survive into the sunset with all the jewels anthcul158 had procured during her island time. They sell the jewels and have a moderate life in the south of France, sipping tea and eating baguettes.

  7. ۞ׂҾ┘ the Elder shakes loose the barrier between our dimension and his, just enough to consume my [mysterystuff] and soul to break free, beginning his reign in this world…

  8. Nirkit sniffed the air. It smelled like… cookies. And danger. The two had been conflated in Nirkit’s mind and he honestly couldn’t tell the difference anymore.

    That girl was crazy, but it was the best sex of his life.

    He turned to Cap’n Destin, and knew he smelled it too. With the smirk of a man imitating an anime character who knew he was about to have a really cool fight, Nirk ran to the boat. Under normal circumstances Nirkit knew that the two of them would be safe in the boat. But the cookies he smelled on the air were the kind of cookies that broke the rules. The kind of cookies that would take away control from the player character in order to advance the story. The kind of cookies that make you say, “Hey, so just because the marines turn off the lights in this room, suddenly Freeman’s flashlight stops working? And I’m not allowed to fight anymore? Like, I’ve got a machine gun with a grenade launcher attached. I could just go nuts with the grenade launcher and be fine, then turn on the lights on my own… No? Well fuck it.”

    Everything in him knew that he should just run. Forget about Destin and sail far away from Everything Islands as fast as he could. But he couldn’t. He had to wait for Destin to post before they could haul ass into the sunset. In that moment, Nirkit screamed “I WISH I COULD QUIT YOUUUUUU!” and ran below deck. When he emerged, he was carrying bleach, yellow hair dye, an orange gi, hair gel, and blue contact lenses. “HEY DESTIN! IF WE’RE GONNA DIE I WANT IT TO LOOK REALLY COOL WHILE I SHOOT EVERYTHING WITH PSYCHIC BOLTS AND STUFF! BUT I’VE NEVER DYED MY HAIR BEFORE SO I NEED YOUR HELP! QUICK! WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME!!!”

  9. 2 [potatoes], chopped fine or grated
    1 lb. chopped [Chicken of the Woods] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laetiporus)
    1 [yellow onion], sliced thin
    1 [habanero pepper]
    1/2 cup [Orange Juice]
    2 tsp [sage]
    2-14 tsp [chili powder]
    2 tsp [Olive Oil]

    Brush [habanero pepper] in olive oil and roast in oven at 375º for 15 min. Slice open [cooked pepper] and remove seeds, then slice.

    Simmer [potatoes] in a saucepan with a small amount of water at medium heat for 3-5 min. Add [yellow onion], chicken of the woods, and [cooked pepper]. While slowly adding [orange juice], stir until onions begin to brown. Add remaining orange juice and cover, stirring periodically until done. Add spices to taste.

    (Note: DO NOT cook while naked. This one time in college I sliced some habanero peppers in boxers and proceeding to adjust my two amigos. A short while later, it began to get warm. Then it was a little warmer. Then it began to BURN OH MY ۞ׂҾ┘ THE PAIN!!!! Unfortunately, time was of the essence and I had classes to attend. Donning my cold weather gear, as it was *&%#ing freezing outside, I prepared for the long cold bus trip. Stepping out into the white yonder, the pain had stopped. Instead, where two circular ice cubes usually resided, it was warm. Soothing. Comfortable. The moral of the story, NEVER cook while naked. Unless it’s *&%#ing freezing outside, in which case go ahead. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.)

    Using this top secret formula I achieve my secret goal for the game: I make it to the top of Pillar Island.

  10. Destin stood at the front of the deck, staring into the ocean. Nirkit’s psychic powers often would transfer his thoughts into the Valiant’s; sometimes, Destin would just stop thinking and rely on Nirkit’s thoughts entirely.

    And you wonder why he’s the way he is.

    “Those cookies? Man, I HATE those cookies,” he grimaced, while pulling his straw hat over his eyes. Living as long he did, you wouldn’t associate the game-breaker cookies as something that would kill/murder/annihilate you. You would see it as an insult to your pride, a slap from the cosmos in spite of all your achievements.

    “Last time I had them, they COMPLETELY ruined my figure.”

    Not wasting any time, he dashed over to Nirkit and tossed him on the floor. Really not wasting any time, he proceeded to take a massive pee all over Nirkit’s head.

    “IT’S IN THE OCEAN I CAN’T GET IT I’M SO SORRY.”

    And so he continued the profuse apologies for the lack of nearby water.

    For five minutes.

    What? You can’t exactly stop once you’ve started.

    After his smaller, yet braver Chaladholg was sheathed, he threw Nirkit up by his shirt collar. He then took the bottle of hair gel in the most epic way possible, squirted the entire contents into his left hand as slow-motiony-yet-still-in-the-same-time-frame as possible, and then went to work.

    With firm and worthy hands, Destin would mold the grandest of obelisks, and then cut their journey to the heavens short by focusing them into a single tip. In fact, Destin was so good at this any onlooker could have sworn that more hair was created.

    The effect looked something like this, only with stack upon stack:

    http://www.dhgate.com/dragonball-z-goku-super-saiyan-hair-wig-cosplay/p-ff808081314bd7f301315a7b2ed235a1.html

    For the rest of the time, Destin focused on his luck. He hoped that somehow the fat inducing cookie would be willed out of existence by his luck, but he knew that these things didn’t work like that. Instead, he ordered the ship to sail as far away as possible, and put all his will into taking Nirkit and himself into some LUK-Nirvana dimension, where all the cookies served would be either thin mints, or chocolate chip peanut butter and oatmeal.

    Anything else wasn’t worth living for.

  11. IF THE ZMOBIES ARE ABLE TO REACH US I AND THE BEAR SPEND THE TIME UP UNTIL THEY ARE ABLE TO REACH US PRACTICING THRILLERCOMMA THEN I AND ALONG WITH ALL MY TEAMMATES ENGAGE IN SUCH A THRILLER DANCE THAT THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWNPERIOD WE THEN MAKE A SUBMARINE OUT OF THE ZMOBIES AND HAVE LOTS OF UNDERWATER ADVENTURES AND MAKE NEW UNDERWATER ANIMAL FRIENDSPERIOD

    IF THE ZMOBIES ARE NOT ABLE TO REACH US THEN I WILL JOIN WITH ALL THE ANIMALS PERFORMING SUCH A NATURE DANCE AS HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE TO MAKE OUR ISLAND INTO A FLYING ISLANDPERIOD YAY ENERGY OF NATUREPERIOD

  12. Bell looked up into the sky quietly, his back against the warm ocean water. He closed his eyes and felt like something was coming. He couldn’t put his finger on it, like he often wasn’t, and let it slide from his mind. His mind strayed to other more pleasant thoughts, like bread.

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