Day 17: Keepers of Elysium

Team Members:

Captain Destin
Nirkit
A random guard

Though Destin had made a full recovery, apparently his mind was still a bit rattled after the battle, causing him to think that his ability to do things in a given day was somehow connected to his ability to write, which was ridiculous.  About as ridiculous as your ability to fight being connected to your luck, or your natural agility being connected also to your luck, or your ability to fly a boat being connected to your libido.

In summary, Destin was a ridiculous person, living a ridiculous life.

On the island they had landed, Destin decided to explore while Nirkit rested from what could easily be described as the ultimate refractory period.  After checking in with the guard for a description of the island, which is always helpful, Destin learned that the spiral forest somehow connected this island to the other island, and that there was a cave nearby.  Destin poked around the cave, careful not to-

OHSPOONWHATWASTHAT

Unaware that ‘Oh Spoon’ was actually a clever reference to a realization parrotfanatic had in the comment sections of Day 16 for the Esoteric Order of Bacon, Destin, stumbled almost face first into the lady anthcul158, another person exploring the islands who had not joined a team, and her befriended Blob very cleverly named Bob.  The three of you had decided to explore the same cave, and it didn’t take too much exploration to realize that this was the home of a large red dragon who didn’t seem all too friendly that, thankfully, also didn’t seem all that aware of your presence.

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Day 16: Keepers of Elysium

Team Members:

Captain Destin
Nirkit
A random guard

In desperate need to rest from their daring adventure, priority numero uno was making sure that Destin was well.  Nirkit’s first instinct was, of course, to completely destroy the old man’s house – or at least the interior of it.  After turning over a pot of noodles, smashing a ceramic cat, and breaking a gong, Nirkit realized that even all of these stereotypical possession could not for certain confirm the ethnicity of the old man, and that would haunt him forever.

Or at least, haunt him until he found some sort of herbs.  Normally, calling something an “herb” wouldn’t be enough to confirm it as a useful proponent of practicing medicine, but most video games would tell you that non-descriptive herbs were almost assuredly restorative.  Between the herbs and I guess Destin sitting there reflecting on himself and his actions as a mean of physical therapy (read: Destin isn’t a doctor) Destin managed to fully recover as Nirkit whisked them away on a romanti- er, heroic journey to the Eastern Bumfuck Island.

The forest spiral didn’t seem like much of a maze from above, since it seemed to just spiral inwards and, based on a combination of his psychic reading and the equivalent guard-conversation of reading a newspaper, heard lead somehow to the center of another forest.  Landing there would probably cause some sort of spacial paradox, so he decided to set the boat down near the cave.  Back on the water, Nirkit was pretty exhausted from all the “navigating” he’d been doing, and once he was assured that Destin would be alright, he collapsed for the day from exhaustion.

Day 15: Keepers of Elysium

Team Members:

Captain Destin
Nirkit
A random guard

Whether or not he was ready, with Nirkit by his side, gleaning the old man’s secrets and weaknesses, Destin figured he’d give it a shot.  Though normally he wasn’t, today Destin was all about whoopin’ on the elderly!

Destin mentally nodded to Nirkit, who then started gleaning whatever he could from the old man’s mind, lost in its difficult nature and seemingly mental combat state of protection.  While Nirkit was mesmerized by what could arguably be the coolest martial arts montage he had ever seen, the fight had begun.

Destin’s weapon still felt extremely heavy in his hands, but it still swung quick;  His muscle’s ached and he felt bad for the Chaladholg, unable to fully utilize the strength of the blade in each swing.  Still, the blade’s blessing sent him tearing at his opponent, swinging faster than the eye could follow as the old man parried the blade with his bare hands.

“Not bad, Dustin, but you lack training.”

After a successful parry of an attack, the old man snuck a flat hand under one of Destin’s ribs, violently thrusting upwards and emitting a loud crack that rung in Dus-Destin’s ears.  His side was throbbing in pain, but he noticed in the moment of sanctuary that the old man’s hands were bleeding pretty badly.  Maybe he wasn’t as out of the fight as he had thought.

Wincing in pain, the battle raged on for quite some time, hours into the day and then into night.  After the initial injury, both hadn’t quite been able to fight at their full strength, and it seemed as though this fight was a slow battle of attrition, with Destin burning out slowly as the sun set.

With his final ounce of strength, Destin swung thrice more at the old man, and almost as if entirely by luck, it was at this moment Nirkit mentally shouted, “Cool!”  For a split second, the old man ventured into the back of his mind to see what this voice was, and that was the only moment Destin needed to land three clean swings on the old man, toppling him.

On the ground, the old man chuckled as he ran his fingers through the gush of blood pulsing through his chest.  Destin could hardly stand after the last swings, falling to one knee [badly injured].

“Destin,” the old man spoke weakly, “You are the perfect fighter.  You have no training, but you have discipline, and inner strength.  You rely not on others to make your fate, but on yourself.  As I have shown you, my discipline is great but my body is weak in my old age.  I have been waiting for some time for someone to free me of the burden of my knowledge, and today, that man is you.”

The old man slowly faded away into a swirling energy, that spun with the wind and whisked itself into Destin’s mind.  Blessed by the discipline of the old man, Destin gained the ability to use his greatest strength, in this case luck, as his disciple, converting it directly into [combat] experience.  In a matter of one painful day, Destin had gone from no combat experience, to beyond [all the combat] experience.

Now if only I could stand, Destin thought to himself with a chuckle.

Day 14: Keepers of Elysium

Team Members:

Captain Destin
Nirkit
A random guard

The old man’s few teeth showed on his grin as Destin answered his question, the old man very pleased with his answer.

“I have waited many years to hear of someone worthy of my training.  Dustin, I present to you a one time test of strength, courage, and compassion.  You are to fight me, one-on-one, and show me that which you have just explained.  If you lose, know that your resolve is not any weaker, but shall you succeed a great strength will be yours.  I will only fight you one time, so put your all into it and let me know when you are ready.”

Destin questioned whether or not he could defeat this old man, seeing as how old men were infinitely powerful in pretty much any form of martial arts related media.  The old man was really, really old though.  Like getting to that age where you’d be surprised if he could even still really move nimbly or strike with much strength.

Nirkit, on the other hand, was trying to piece together this man’s brain, but as soon as he accessed it, he mind was flooded with kung fu movies.  Many of which he had seen before, of course, but the complete works of Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, and many others pulsed into his mind and honestly he forgot what exactly it was he was searching for in this guy’s mind.

On the other hand, if Rufus from Street Fighter IV taught us anything, it’s that watching all of the kung fu movies wasn’t unlike training, for some reason.  Even though he had just glimpsed this man’s brain, Nirkit was somehow better at [combat].  This sudden rush of kung fu also helped sustain Nirkit’s action boner, a totally non-sexual boner that just showed off his overwhelming excitement for martial arts.  Oh and I guess this guy’s favorite color was orange.

Day 13: Keepers of Elysium

Team Members:

Captain Destin
Nirkit
A random guard

While Nirkit worked on the [effectiveness] of juggling lewd thought with pointing the ship in a meaningful direction, all while not falling in love with Destin.  It wasn’t easy, and the trip north wasn’t quite as smooth as anyone would’ve liked.  It was kind of like watching a slow-motion skipping stone, as every once in a while the ship would plummet back into the ocean, thrash for a bit, settle down, and the get lifted once more.  Destin’s push-ups were [luck]y in the sense that he didn’t break every bone in his body every time the ship landed.  In fact, he was so lucky that he timed his push-ups in some ridiculous manner where he didn’t even ever notice the turbulence.

Once they arrived at the island, Nirkit decided to land the ship on top of the very tiny pillar.  By land, I mean that he pulled out all the extra-nasty stuff in the dirtiest recesses of his mind while mixing those thoughts with “DONTYOUDROPTHISSHIPNIRKITYOUWILLKILLEVERYONE” to create an overwhelming sense of fear that was required for their lives to also be erotic.  Sure that Nirkit wouldn’t let him down, literally, Destin decided to step out onto the island, which had to be no more than twenty or so feet around.  The middle of the pillar had a shack on it, and upon landing, an old man flung the door open and waddled outward.

“Greetings, Dustin!” the old man said, “I knew you arrive now.  Well, not now persay, as I came out here expecting you yesterday, but I knew you were coming, now isn’t that impressive?”

He nodded a lot, and Destin watched as politely as possible while not staring at this strange old man, who couldn’t have been more than three feet tall and whose eyes seemed permanently shut.  At least, Destin throught, he has a sweet guru mustache and beard combo.

“Nancy there will have no problem keeping that ship afloat,” the old man assured Destin, “but you on the other hand… Dustin, let me tell you who I am, and then ask you an important question.  I have been around for thousands of hours, practicing all forms of fighting-based nonsense.  I’ve beaten people to death with my hands, with weapons, with animals, heck – even with nonsense, whatever that means!  What I wish is to pass this knowledge down to someone who is worthy, so I ask you Dustin, one simple question that I want you to think long and hard about.

What is your purpose?”

Day 12: Keepers of Elysium

Team Members:

Captain Destin
Nirkit
A random guard

As it turned out, yelling contradictory statements generally had nothing to do with luck, but Destin was so lucky that in this case, it did!  The last bit of [luck] pushed Destin into the realm very few had ever set foot in – the realm of extreme luck!  While most people could expect good luck or bad luck to rarely influence their lives, Destin had reached a point where there was a guarantee of either good or bad luck in whatever he did!

While most would’ve seen this as a great accomplishment, Destin had bigger and better things in mind. He knew that many would kill for the kind of luck he had, but that wasn’t enough.  With a look of renewed strength glistening in his eyes, Destin knew he was half-way to having all of the luck.

All of it.

Unfortunately, in this moment of great and apparently very handsome triumph, Destin glanced haphazardly at Nirkit, into his eyes, through his soul, and apparently off into space.  But the gaze brushed Nirkit’s soul directly, and caused some … unintended side effects.

It was at this moment, where Nirkit’s mind was far from the weight of the boat, that the boat became weightless, lifting several feet above the raising water level.  Unaware of his incredible feat of psychic power, Nirkit immediately stressed the concentration of his mind on the unspeakable horrors of the elder mammary, plummeting the ship into what was thankfully now water.

As Destin congratulated Nirkit on lifting the ship, Nirkit seemed confused.  Slowly, his confusion gave way to shock, shock to horror, horror to fascination.  In order to get a rise out of the ship, he’d have to follow suit.

Those pervy dwarf magicians.

Day 11: Keepers of Elysium

Next deadline: Monday, February 27th at 11:59 EST

Team Members:

Captain Destin
Nirkit
A random guard

Destin, fighting his initial urge to defecate on the branch of a tree, Destin decided to nurse his wound like a nurse cuddles a baby.  Unfortunately, none of the lullabies he knew seemed to be helping his wound!

Thankfully, Nirkit was there to save the day.  Nirkit used his mind to moved all of Nirkits healing capsules from their docking bay towards the wound.  Destin was completely healed, and only a few of the healing capsules crashed landed on the return journey home from being out of fuel, but those sacrifices had to be made for the greater good of- wait no this is stupid.

But he really did fix Destin up, and when it was over, Destin felt happy.  Perhaps this was the happy ending Nirkit had suggested?

Once Destin was repaired, Nirkit told him to get some rest while Nirkit worked on repairing the ship.  His mastery over the psychic was helpful for bending and pinching what metal there was into something that seemed seaworthy.  The ship was more or less repaired, though Nirkit had a nagging feeling that he’d want to keep his eye on it just in case.

heal happy ending joke – nirkit, destin

nirkit works on boat